CLOSE TO MY HEART

                                                November 6th, 2012

    I slipped the ring on to the necklace today; your wedding ring- put it around my neck.  I remembered the thrill of giving it to you.  You were the one that I wanted to give my life to, and I remembered how completely you gave yours to me.  I will never see or feel that again- complete trust, and loyalty, and outward tenderness and kindness given freely to someone such as me- never wavering in your deep devotion, from the time you came to me until the time you went away.  Always there, always loving me, even though not always equally returned.  How could this be? What manner of being were you?  I think not less than an angel.  I will always wear your ring.

    Spending time away in a far off land last week has only strengthened my thoughts about "wherever I go, there I am"- that "moving on" is somewhat of an oxymoron. 

How can I move on when I am always with me?  It is not really moving to or from anything; but an acceptance of the surrounding, enveloping change that I cannot control- relearning a new "familiar": that of being alone again- last time-1966.  Becoming re-acquainted with my children and grandchildren as they struggle to know who I have become without Mom.......Gram. For I am as new to them as my present life has become to me.

This involves a whole new self disclosure to even me.  Somehow I must merge everything I am into being everything you see.........the two must become one;  inside must become the outside.  As God sees both, so also should those around me. But who am I inside?

I have no desire to run about, grasping at air, trying to find where I fit in this world once again.  Little did I know what I know now;  that God gave me that "fit" in Lynn and manifested itself in our offspring..........a complete life.

What fools we become when we even start to take that gift for granted!  How could I have ever trivialized it?  I appear as a mere ghost of myself to me.  The qualities of courage, bravery, adventure, and even true manliness are not really a man's own.  They are given and enhanced by the wife of his youth.  Oh, Lynn Chase, I cannot run away from this ghost, for where I go, there I am.........and you are not.  This sojourn is my own now. 

How I loved to be your hero, how I loved adventure with you, life with you, love with you.  Is there anymore of me left without you.  I fear, hope, and trust that it is so.  My heart is full of Lynn- aching at its loss.  It is a desolate land.

Isaiah says that desolation is not my destiny but that I am destined to be "held in His hand for all to see as a splendid crown in the hand of God".....and that He "delights" in me.  We will see as time moves on, and I wait. You, sweet wife remain close to my heart. There will be no room for another.

Your Loving Husband,

David