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It's Dark Down Here, Babe

  I am so confused in this grief........there has to be something greater than me while I'm moving through it's "dark tunnel", as Paul Halupa calls it.  I know that the light will come at the other end, but the present darkness is pitch black.

    It's as if I don't know myself anymore.  As C.S. Lewis says' " There is hardly a moment that I can forget her. Bathing, dressing, sitting down, getting up again, even lying in bed is different. Many pleasures, and activities that I once took for granted will have to be written off."  The light will come back, but no longer in three dimensions........maybe one at best. 

    Loving Lynn was an entire and complete way of life encapsulated in that which we created together...........being as one.............one flesh.  But it has lost it's earthly link.  That creates aching and agonizing grief..........and more of a crevasse between us.  I know that what Lewis says is true: that passionate grief doesn't link us with the dead, it cuts us off from them.  Lynn is gone, and the more joy I can find between her dying and the my living, the better.  There are becoming more moments, little by little, which make me happy to remember.  One, is listening to all of the CD's on the car stereo that were there when we took trips together.  I feel her love there in that car- remember, things that she said........even her comment, "Hubel don't you think it's time to put on some new CD's in the car?" 

   As the darkness hides even me from myself, now is when I need God's hand, and will gladly take it.

Lynn Chase's Loving Husband

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